Why do teenagers feel lonely even in a loving family? How can parents maintain a connection with their children? And what is the mistake in striving to be "perfect"? These questions are discussed in an interview with adolescent psychologist Jakshylyk Zhyrgalbekov for 24.kg.
— Many believe that a consultation with a psychologist is just an opportunity to vent. But this can also be done among close ones. How does the work of a psychologist differ, and why are their services so expensive?
— A psychologist does listen to clients, but their work goes beyond just that. There are specialists in various fields: family, child, and adolescent psychologists, as well as those who work with people facing difficulties. It is important not to confuse them with psychiatrists, who deal with the diagnosis and treatment of mental disorders.
A psychologist helps people understand their internal conflicts and emotions, find solutions that allow them to break free from a vicious circle. Our task is to support and help a person build their own path to mental health. This work requires professional training, ongoing education, and practical experience, which justifies the cost of services.
— What are the age limits within which one can assert that a teenager's character is formed and cannot be changed?
— The core of personality is formed by around 25 years of age, especially regarding decision-making. However, value orientations and personal qualities can develop even later.
— So a 15-year-old teenager still has room to grow, and parents shouldn't panic if something goes wrong?
— The adolescent period is one of the most challenging times in life. During this time, there is a rethinking of oneself and one's identity. Teenagers experiment with various roles and styles of behavior, trying to find themselves, while being heavily pressured by school, parents, and society. At this age, they still lack life experience, which makes them vulnerable. The risk of depression and anxiety increases, influenced by genetic factors, personal characteristics, and external circumstances.
— How can parents help their teenager during this difficult time? They should care for them, but how not to cross into overprotection?
— Care means supporting the child, helping with learning, and providing a foundation while allowing them to make independent decisions. Overprotection manifests as constant control, where parents solve all problems for the child, even those they could handle themselves. Some parents do homework or resolve conflicts with friends and teachers, not giving children the chance to make mistakes and gain experience.
— I recognize many mothers from my surroundings. What are the consequences of such overprotection?
— A teenager will struggle, believing they cannot handle situations independently, which lowers their self-confidence. Dependency on adults develops, making it harder for them to make decisions and solve problems on their own. A fear of mistakes arises; any misstep can seem catastrophic. They face social difficulties: it's harder for them to make friends and assert their opinions, leading to insecurity and anxiety, as well as a constant need for approval.
— What can explain a teenager's loneliness if they grew up in a loving family?
— Teenagers' loneliness is often linked to societal pressure and the fear of being rejected by peers. They strive to meet the expectations of those around them, hiding their true feelings and conforming to the group. If they feel they do not meet ideals, it can lead to feelings of worthlessness and loneliness.
— Can parents notice such states in their child on their own?
— Loneliness is not always painful. Some teenagers choose it to be alone with themselves, and this is natural. It's important for parents to be able to distinguish these states. If a teenager is comfortable alone and has interests, that's normal. Solitude can be beneficial for rest and self-discovery.
However, parents should be concerned when loneliness brings pain and feelings of worthlessness, especially if the child wants to be accepted but cannot establish relationships. This state becomes evident if there is emotional contact between the parent and child.
— Often, a teenager's loneliness is associated with communication insecurity. How effective are public speaking courses in addressing this issue?
— Such courses can be helpful if a teenager finds it difficult to express their thoughts but has something to say. However, there are also teenagers who may not open up even in these courses, as their issues may be deeper. During the first session with a psychologist, it may be revealed how serious the problems are and whether to continue sessions with the psychologist or switch to public speaking courses. Communication training is generally more effective in such cases.
— Some schools have social educators and psychologists. How effective are their efforts in creating a favorable psychological climate and uniting children?
— Group work in schools is necessary for conflict prevention and developing communication skills, but in practice, specialists are often lacking. They are overwhelmed with individual requests and documentation, so their work often boils down to diagnosing and helping children who already have problems.
— How has the image of the "difficult teenager" changed in modern conditions?
— While smoking remains a problem, today's main issues are social isolation, depression, difficulties with career orientation, addiction to online games, and a lack of communication skills in real life.
— Are there ideal parents?
— There are no ideal parents. The pursuit of perfection can lead to disappointment for both adults and children. In psychology, the concept of "good enough parents" is used—those who meet the child's needs according to their age and real-life circumstances, without striving for flawlessness.
— What difficulties do parents of teenagers most often face today?
— The main difficulty lies in the changing forms of responsibility and control. When a child is small, the parent is actively involved in their upbringing. In adolescence, the process of separation begins, where the child must become more independent. Healthy separation is a two-way process, where parents should support the child, show care, but gradually transfer the right to make decisions and take responsibility for them.
— How do grandparents influence upbringing in the context of Kyrgyz mentality, especially when their opinions differ from the child's interests?
— Recently, there have been many inquiries regarding family conflicts related to changing cultural norms. The values of different generations differ, leading to contradictions. Sometimes grandparents effectively take on parental roles, especially if parents go away for work. It is important for parents to set boundaries, explaining to the child who makes decisions and who can give advice. Here, the adult's position is more important than their age.
— Speaking of migration. Can it be asserted that children whose parents have gone away for work may face problems in the future?
— Not always. It all depends on how the child experiences the separation and whether the emotional connection with the parents is maintained. Separation can become a source of trauma if the child feels abandoned. However, if the reasons for leaving are explained and contact is maintained, the consequences can be minimal. It is not the event itself that is traumatic, but how it is perceived.
— Why do such different children grow up in the same family with the same parents, despite the belief that children copy their parents' behavior?
— Each child perceives and interprets their parents' behavior in their own way, which is why even twins can be different. The formation of personality is influenced not only by the family but also by the social environment, individual experiences, and temperament. Additionally, parenting approaches can change over time: some may have more strength and energy in youth, while others may have less as life becomes more challenging.
— If you could say one important phrase to parents of teenagers, what would it be?
— Be a support for your children, allow them to make mistakes and learn from their own experiences.
